I Try To Go Out

by Stormybluez

I try to go out every afternoon- for a walk… to the beach… to buy smokes… lay in bed at a friend’s – drive drive drive…save me from me < breath fresh night air. I'm taking TRAZODONE 50 mg for a little over a week now. at first it put me right out and i was so glad- BUT last night and now I took it over 2 hours ago and I'm wide a wake-- ughgh! Instead of feeling doomed in gloom<< I'm Empty .. very hollow ... like I hit a point so hard ---I'm stuck in a slow motion ricochet. Everything still seems so worthless I feel worthless...but I'm far to numb to feel anything --- everyone is SOoo concerned...They all think I'm a freak... AND i AM- but so what-- I stretched a canvass and started sketching early in the week it so therapeutic... I was feeling so much better bit by broken bit ... Then out of the blue I get a medical call --- they found something & want preform a biopsy on my cervix -- a Coltoscopy. both my great grandmothers died of cervical cancer MAN i don't NEED THIS !! I'm trying not to let to disarm me fully I scared tho--im soo scared... oh me I'm gonna try to close my eyes and fall now.

Posted by anonymous on November 18th, 2007
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3 Comments a “I Try To Go Out”

  1. Emily says:
    November 18th, 2007 at 1:41 pm

    I don’t think you’re a freak, and I really hope that you got some good sleep last night. Good luck with the biopsy. I’m sending lovely thoughts your way with hopes that they’ll somehow reach you.

  2. M says:
    November 19th, 2007 at 1:35 pm

    Just to ease your mind a bit hopefully, I believe a colposcopy (sp?) is fairly common and doesn’t mean you have or are even very likely to have cancer. Do a google search to learn more. One site says “Quite often a biopsy will show no further concerns and the woman can return to Pap test screening – usually at shorter intervals at first.” That is just what happened to me.

    I’ve had a couple of them, years ago now, and nothing ended up being wrong. Same with numerous other women who’ve shared having the same experience. It’s fairly quick, can hurt a bit, but doesn’t last long. Best of luck to you and I pray everything will be fine. I know it’s stressful and wish for the best outcome for you.

  3. StormyBluez says:
    November 20th, 2007 at 4:36 am

    Your words to me are so VALID at this moment.

    They always take FOREVER & a DAY!! to set a date…
    Im struggling so hard to keep this worry at bay
    I feel like im forever holding my breath.

    Thank you. Thank you so much for your wishes.

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