Where Do I Go From Here?

By Dianna

Where do I go from here? Once again I feel my life spiraling out of control and have nothing with which to stop it. I am a logical person. I know what I should do to make myself feel better, however I seem to have no way of stopping myself from doing what I shouldn’t do.

When I get nervous and feel disliked in a situation, I drink. When I am manic and feeling like the world is mine and everyone should bow to my amazingness, I drink. When I drink, I inevitable fail and the all consuming guilt spirals into depression.

This weekend I celebrated my friend’s birthday. Her friends don’t like me. Perhaps the best thing was not for me to point out how one particular friend of hers doesn’t even say hello to me and shoots daggers at me with her eyes. They make me feel uncomfortable and she herself, always seems to want me to act a different way, or be a different way, and I try to tell myself it’s all in my head and than I feel bad, but perhaps maybe it isn’t.

That night, I separated myself from the group. Instead of talking to them, I talked to strangers. People who didn’t make me feel disliked and uncomfortable. People who listened to me and didn’t tell me I was talking too loud or act as if I was embarrassing them. They left me at the restaurant and I had to find my own way to the bar. Then, they left me at the bar and I had to get myself home. No matter how poorly I was behaving, how can that be the way to treat a friend?

Here I go again. One more friend down. When you only have 3 left it’s a sad and lonely place to be.

Being bi-polar is not conducive to friendships, and those you do find generally are engaged in the same self destructive behavior you should avoid like the plague. It gets you nowhere real fast. Yet, no matter how many times I am told “it’s not my fault”, no one else seems to believe it or wants to take the effort to understand that. And sometimes I just don’t believe it.

Whose fault is it if not mine? I’m the one who chose to have sex with strangers, to put things up my nose that shouldn’t go there and to put that glass to my lips over and over again.

Today I made it out of bed, albeit late, and I will drag myself to the gym and remember each hour that passes is another chance to begin again.

Posted by leahpeah on January 29th, 2010
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2 Comments a “Where Do I Go From Here?”

  1. anon says:

    it’s not your fault, but doing something about it, as you become aware of it and “it’s” impact on yours and others lives, is your responsibility—this my friend, is the hard maturity pill to swallow. The bipolar, one thing, the drinking to self medicate, another. I am not bi-polar. I am however, an alcoholic; I never drank normally and was very destructive when I drank. It was fun for a while with my friends, but eventually they turned away too. I had to face the real truth for me. It helped a ton. I have not had a drink in 23 years…easy, hell no, essential for my base life, yes !!

  2. Deanna says:

    I’m coming up on one year sober. Maybe you need to examine your drinking patterns. I know my life’s much more manageable now. You might want to check out AA. It’s not all about staying sober, like I thought it would be. It’s really about learning how to live life “happily and usefully whole.”


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