Since I’ve cut out half of my meds, started sleeping better, and been through hormonal hell (miscarriage & aftermath, then back on hormonal birth control for a month), I’m beginning to think I just have a natural mental imbalance rhythm with the seasons.

I’ve also realized that hormonal birth control is not for me. I went back on birth control for one month only so that I could go to Las Vegas for my 30th Birthday and be able to “enjoy myself” — drink alcohol — get drunk — self-medicate. (Well also I get all-day sickness and me in the first trimester ain’t purty.)

I’ve always been sort of skeptical about people’s claims that they OMG absolutely CANNOT take hormonal birth control because I took it from age eighteen to 25 without any effect, right? RIGHT? Well, now I’m not so sure.

My time in college was one of the most devastating periods of depression in my life. Of course I was in therapy and dealing with some really heavy stuff (Dad’s alcoholism, death, abuse of me & my family, etc.) so it would be expected to be at least down, but this was years long fog.

Back to my point. The month back on made me realize that the additional hormones just made me feel BLAH. A continual veil of BLAH hanging over my mood, with periods of downright sadness leading into a dark cave of depression thrown in there a few times a week.

Back to the seasons. I started mentally mapping my moods over the past few years when I HAVEN’T been on birth control or SSRI’s. I started seeing patterns in my behavior — wilder, more risk taking in the late spring and in the early fall; SAD (seasonal affective disorder) slash depression in the winter; somewhat stable in the summer with moments of being down.

I figure if I can understand my patterns, I can understand and manage my depression more effectively.

I’m also thinking of weaning entirely off of SSRI’s because my son, crazy as he makes me, needs a sibling. And of course, I’d kinda like another baby. ;)

I’ll keep you posted as to the state of my imbalance.