Finding The Immediate Possibilities, Letting Go Of The Fear

It may seem obvious, but if you are completely immobile because you are afraid you’ll make a mistake, you can’t move forward and get through the problem. I have a suspicion that most of my depression comes from that place. I wake up feeling so scared that I’ve already failed, that there is no reason to do anything, because I’m just going to make things so incredibly worse than the hell it already is.

One way to help myself through this is to make a list of things I can do. And I mean writing it down as an actual list, because if I’m just saying it in my head, it isn’t real enough. I need to put it down on paper. There have been times when the list contains only one item, but one is still more than the none I had before I started.

Here is an actual list from 2003:

yoga
take a walk
draw
work on book

Here is an actual list from 1999:

breathe

Meditate sometimes makes the list but it depends a lot on where my level of depression is at the moment. If I’m too low, trying to meditate turns into sitting really still and telling myself I’m doing it all wrong, all wrong, all wrong. Not very helpful. Things that require less brain power are better.

It works the best when I only put things on the list that I know for sure I can actually do right at that moment. If I put exercise on the list with the intention of doing it later because right now seems too hard but I’m almost sure I’ll be able to do it later that afternoon, I’ve already set myself up to fail. It would be different if I felt ready to exercise right at that moment.

Once I make the list, I take a moment to do a little positive thinking on my own behalf. I look at my fine list and congratulate myself, with the absolute most sincerity that I can muster, on making a list of things I can do successfully. I cannot fail if I stick to my list. Nice job, me. I’ve been known to say these things aloud, which makes it more real, if I’m feeling brave.

And once I do one or two things on my list, I congratulate myself again. With each success it becomes more real. And I become less afraid. I suppose to someone who doesn’t suffer from depression, this might seem silly. But, to the people that do, it can be a lifesaver.