The Therapist Called Today
By Blue
The therapist called today.
I’ve never met her. I was referred to her in March. March! It’s now November. Thanks Mental Health Safety Net – good thing I tried to figure this shit out on my own, sorta.
I’m not sure if I want to call her back and begin this process. I’m afraid. Really afraid.
Oh I know I should go and talk to a professional, but I do not need drugs. I will refuse them and look even crazier for doing so, I’m sure. I’m still not sleeping much – maybe 4 hours a night, but usually less. I function with coffee in abundance and eat as little as possible unless something I’m really in love with comes into the house. Like now it’s the Halloween candy and holy shit this stuff needs to go already – it’s only been 2 days (I bought the stuff for trick or treaters as late as possible so I wouldn’t touch it) and already I feel completely yucked out by the taste of sugar on my tongue constantly. Binge eating is always punished later – though I’m not puking anymore, which is good. I just won’t eat tomorrow until I feel faint – then maybe an apple. Whatever. At least I’m not refusing to talk to friends like I did back in March, but I will say I’m doing a lot more ‘faking it.’ Nobody has noticed about the eating this time around. The headaches are killing me though.
Getting back to the therapist. Here’s the breakdown for me:
1) I KNOW what I need to do to get better. I need to sleep, to eat properly, to cut way back on coffee. I know that things that were done to me were wrong and I know they weren’t my fault but the adult in me is saying “Grow up and get over it.” I worry I will sit and tell Dr. Therapy my problems and she will think I’m a huge whiny baby who needs to get over it, which hello? I KNOW.
And the thing is, I did think, at some point that by burying shit, that by throwing it into the recesses of my mind, that I HAVE dealt with things — haven’t I?
2) If I do decide to dredge up all this messy, intricate webs of slimy seaweed and place it on my lap to unravel and untangle it all…can I handle that? Can I handle the sticky, wet mess in my lap, in the forefront of my mind as I sort it out? What will it do to my personality? Will it be a strain on my marriage? I can’t hurt him. I just can’t — but I look at us, at him, at me, and wonder how long it will be before he gives up. Sometimes I think never but he is so normal that I just wonder if he has it in him to love me through this? Will those feelings of inadequacy surface so strong that I will drive him away for fear of him hurting me first? Will I be the driving force in our destruction? I wonder that a lot.
3) How will regurgitating the past affect me as a mother? I so do not want to be a mess. Right now I’m a controlled mess. If I go to Dr. Therapy, I’m not sure I’ll make it through this journey.
I am terrified.
“Blue”
November 1st, 2007 at 1:13 am
Well, I understand being terrified but it sounds like most anything would be better than living in a constant state of anxiety and self harm. Take the leap and talk to the therapist at least once.
November 1st, 2007 at 10:32 am
I sooo know where you are coming from.. I had to be court ordered to go…and came really really close to contempt. Please do go… as therapy gives you better tools and methods of dealing w/ every day. Of recoginizing your strengths. Of recognizing the onset of the downswing and halting it. And I don’t and will not take pills either..just not my way. Therapy has also helped make me a BETTER mother to my children, esp. my daughter. I so do not want her growing up w/ my fears or anger.
Don’t get me wrong..I’m not “cured” and I still have so many questions that will never be answered to my satisfaction. I’m with you on the “just be over it already” train..but reality for me is that there are parts of me that will never be over it. But I can control that anger and talk with my husband…and tell him when I’m sad, angry, etc. Maybe another way to get around this fear is to make that first appt. an interview of her…ask her all the questions and decide if this is a person you can confide things that you tell no one else. If she’s not right..interview another.
Wishing you all the luck in the world
another stubborn survivor
Michelle
November 1st, 2007 at 10:57 am
It is hard, and terrifying. But in the end, I think therapy’s worth it. I suppressed, and it made me fall apart, despite the fact that I was convinced I was a controlled mess.
1. If a therapist tells you this, they suck and should be reported to the licensing board. You have a right to a good therapist you can work with. If this one is no good, ditch her and try another. You’re a consumer, even if you feel crazy. Tho’ the fact that she called you seems to speak well of her truly being a member of the “caring professions.”
2. A good therapist will help you work through it, piecemeal, so you don’t get overwhelmed. It will be hard, and you may be sad, but writing and thinking about it is the only way to get over it. You can choose what you’re willing to work on at a certain point, once you and the therapist work out what you need help with. And my focus group of one thinks it will help you be a better wife, because you’ll be less distracted by your issues, happier in the long run, and better able to be a good partner to him in his hard times.
The fact that you can write here is proof you can work with a therapist. We’re all root for you.
November 1st, 2007 at 1:37 pm
the fact that you can fake it is actually a sign you are functioning pretty well, as f-ed up as that seems. I understand your hesitancy about unearthing the buried shit, and whether your relationships can handle it. trust your husband and trust yourself, and trust that you will be a better mom in the long run and you will show your baby(ies) how strong you were to tackle the crap. do a little bit at a time and be kind to yourself along the way.
November 1st, 2007 at 1:52 pm
I’m going to echo everyone else here and say please go. even though it’s scary, even though you don’t know what will happen. The only way forward is through. We’ll all be here, supporting, and listening.
November 1st, 2007 at 6:27 pm
Don Miguel Ruiz says that we have an emotional body that is just as real as our physical body. When we have hurts that we cover over, they get infected until we clean them out and let them heal.
Until that time, every time someone bumps into our emotional wounds, we will act way out of proportion to what is actually happening at the time, because that hidden infected wound HURTS just like an infection in our physical bodies.
I hope you find a good therapist who can help you let your wounds heal in a safe manner that isn’t overwhelming.
November 2nd, 2007 at 1:56 am
I definitely know what you mean about already knowing what needs to be done to get better and it’s just a matter of doing it. I’m not so much afraid that my therapist will tell me to get over it, but I do worry that she won’t understand why I haven’t and therefore won’t be able to help me, if that makes any sense. It’s good to know that I’m not the only one who worries about that, and I wish you lots of luck.
November 3rd, 2007 at 2:44 pm
I called. More to come next week when I write on Tuesday.