By StormyBluez

I haven’t had a psychiatric app. in about 10 years. 11 years ago it was Prozac. I was 13. I felt that the Prozac robbed me of my creativity I remember it making me feel very empty. I stopped after 4 weeks and rebelled against all help psychiatric.

Ive always drank far too much- insecurity I guess, helps me creates a fake atmosphere. I may have done too many street drugs that possibly added fuel to my internal fire. Heroin was what helped better that all the others – my sister was diagnosed with Schizoaffective disorder in late 2003, my doses were increased and I really had a iron clad reason to hate the world now. Not just my own ugly worthless forgotten demons. She was not hospitalized, they wanted to but my mother would not allow it.

I remember coming home in the rain one night not being able to feel my mind or legs. I sat beside her bedside as she slept and contemplated burning the house down, stop everyones suffering. I felt SO selfish and worthless- here my sister incapable of controlling her mind. Really literally Mentally unable. And me abusing my capability of control. Because I CAN no matter how deep and suicidal my episode is – I am capable to stop, acknowledged my actions and thoughts. So I stopped shooting-up and decreased my drinking.

My sister went through so many medications. 3 years to find the right ones. She’s ok now, although she is not the same she is and wants to survive. She is a huge inspiration. I’m clean now- about 3 years, don’t even smoke cigarettes. But I am deeply sad, I feel alone stupid and worthless ungrateful & suicidal. I have a therapist app. on Halloween. I don’t want to go I’m scared of myself. I think its a man. I don’t think I can be honest with a man. maybe I shouldn’t go. Damn this is gonna be hard, I want to listen to the better half of me, I want to be able to love myself, but can’t even get dressed today.