Last Night I Admitted That Things Aren’t Better
By Kay
Last night I admitted that things aren’t better now that I’m back at school.
They’re supposed to be. Now that my parents aren’t lurking outside, waiting to attack me about my laziness and my messiness and my poverty, I shouldn’t have to hide in my bed all day.
Now that that boy isn’t dominating my thoughts and making me deal with the fact that he left me, I should be free to have control over my mind again.
This whole depression thing was supposed to be four months of hell, but it had a finish line. On September first I moved out of my parent’s house, back to my school six hours away from everything that happened this summer, and it was supposed to be over!
But it isn’t. I still don’t have the energy to get up in the morning believing that I have the power to change the world. I still feel trapped if I can’t escape back to my room after a few hours of sociable contact with my friends. I still can’t see myself as someone with any worth, or potential, or notability, or any redeeming qualities whatsoever.
And on top of that, I’ve been arguing with my person lately, which I hate doing. She thinks that the reason the pills aren’t working yet is because I’m not in the right mindset. She tells me I need to believe that they’ll work. I do believe that, because I’ve had them work for me before. I had them work for me when I believed that they wouldn’t work. So maybe it’s the pessimistic view that I can’t feel better that actually results in me feeling better.
She also says that I need to take some responsibility for my mental health, and to actually make the effort to get out of bed in the morning, live my day to day life as normally as possible, and not wallow in self pity while lying about in bed. And while I know that she’s right, I just can’t find the words to explain that when I’m horizontal and I’ve once again convinced myself that everything I do is pointless drivel that will lead to nothing, becoming vertical and productive is damn near impossible. Since getting out of bed is the logical thing to do when I wake up, how do I explain something as irrational as not getting up? Trying to explain this to everyone at school is even more . Right now I’m supposed to be feeling great. I’m supposed to be ecstatic that I’m back at school. I’m supposed to be fine. But I’m not. Everything is still so hard.
Originally posted here.
September 24th, 2007 at 12:27 am
Why is being back at school supposed to make you ecstatic? Don’t fall into that trap. It’s good you’re doing something productive, but perhaps at this time feeling better isn’t just a nose-twitch away (in other words, not magic). Perhaps this is one of those moments in time when you don’t have to ask anything from yourself other than taking one more step. You can do that. Getting up isn’t so bad if that’s all you have to do. Eating breakfast isn’t so bad if that’s all you have to do. Taking the next test isn’t so bad if that’s all you have to do. Just take that next step. It doesn’t matter where it takes you.
September 24th, 2007 at 8:04 pm
It is hard. You’re absolutely right. Is there someone you trust that you can ask to call you in the mornings, or to come meet you for breakfast at your place, so that you have something outside yourself to be accountable for in terms of getting out of bed? Miss Baker’s right, too. I sometimes would joke that getting over depression was all about “baby steps,” just like in “What About Bob,” but you know what? Sometimes it is.
September 25th, 2007 at 12:29 pm
If your meds aren’t working anymore, it could mean that you just need to change them. I mean, your body can get accustomed to medications and they can lose their effectiveness. Also, certainly talk to your doctor whenever you have changes in mood like this as there might be something he can do.
I agree that it is hard getting out of bed when you have those feelings of worthlessness, but maybe you should find some way, like BLC said, of making yourself more accountable. Find other people who can help you. Make a list of good things about yourself and read it every day (yes, there are some, you just have to think really hard–believe me, if I can do it, you can, too–they can be small things). Get involved with a charity that means something to you. Find some way of bringing meaning into your life, even if it’s something as simple as helping a friend out with a problem or something. It doesn’t have to be a huge big deal, just something you would feel better about yourself for doing it. But find something that’s important to you and I think it will help. Get a pet. Sometimes having someone else to take care of every day can make it easier to get out of bed each day. My dog is certainly my main reason for getting up each morning and I feel better when he’s happy. Plus, I don’t feel too “crazy” when I’m talking to myself as I can just say I’m talking to the dog! But he does make me feel important as he loves me unconditionally and I just want to be deserving of that love so that I do my best to take care of him and keep him happy and healthy. But it’s the small things in life that make it worthwhile, even if it’s just seeing how happy he is to see me when I wake up, or playing with him a little during evening TV. The point is, there are lots of things you can do. Don’t forget to talk to your therapist or support group. Tell them everything, even about minor changes in mood, etc. as you never know when it might be significant. But there may be ways to help. Don’t be afraid to seek it and don’t feel bad that the meds aren’t working. That’s not necessarily your fault. They don’t work forever. You just have to keep trying. Don’t give up.
September 25th, 2007 at 1:19 pm
This is a great post. You articulated it so well that I almost felt like I was there with you. I enjoy your writing, even if it isn’t about a happy subject.
About feeling ecstatic and purposeful: I think those are rare feelings for most adults. For me it is more a matter of keeping on and enjoying the small sweet moments.