From StormyBluez

I’M DIEING
I’M FEELING SOO LOST
I DON’T UNDERSTAND MYSELF
I DON’T Understand MY FUCKED SICK MIND
I’M DOING THIS–IT–
IT’S COMING FAST- I FEEL THE BLOOD RISING INTO A BOIL IN MY SKULL
I FOREVER PUT MYSELF DOWN
I FOREVER FEEL LIKE A SHIT
I RAN AWAY YESTERDAY AFTERNOON GOT 200 MILES AWAY
FELT-…….. WELL -A DISCONNECTION FROM ALL MY FEELINGS
*I FELT HEALTHY*
ALONE IN MY SKUNKY SMELLING MOTEL ROOM
TOOK A BATH -GOT A GOOD BUZZ – FELL ASLEEP-
I’M BROKE SO I CAME BACK TO THE CITY.
I FEEL A SENSE OF VICTORY INSIDE BECAUSE I DIDN’T CAVE IN FOR THE NIGHT …AT LEAST…

o no …READY —
I FEEL I’M UNEDUCATED

I’M A SILLY WORTHLESS ROMANTIC UNLOVED FAT- ASS HAIRY GIRL

I’M TRAPPED IN THE CONVENIENCE OF MY PARENTS HOUSE

I’M DISCONNECTED EMOTIONALLY FROM MY FRIENDS

MY COMPUTER IS GONNA DIE
MY CONTACTS ARE DRY
I FEEL VERY BLEAK

I SKIPPED SCHOOL YESTERDAY & TODAY I DIDN’T WANNA GO BECAUSE I TURNED IN THIS PAPER FOR ART-HIS.- I FEEL ITS THE WORST ESSAY THIS GUY COULD EVER READ- IT PROBABLY FAR FROM…stupid.
& MY SCULPTURE CLASS I FEEL THE TEACH HITS ON ME…I FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE- I’M NOT CRAZY THIS GUYS A PERV.

I TOOK MY FRIEND & HER KID TO REHAB TODAY- I WILL NOT BE ABLE TO SPEAK TO HER FOR 3 MONTHS – WRITE FOR 45 DAYS. I CALLED HER AND HER ever UNRELIABLE RIDE NEVER SHOWED. SO I CAME AROUND- WHEN I CAME TO PICK HER UP SHE WAS SHOOTING IN THE BATHROOM BUT DIDN’T TELL ME. SHE CAME OUT AND HAD DRIPS OF BLOOD ALL OVER HER HANDS , HER FACE WAS BLEEDING AND HER SCALP WAS DIED BLUE. ITS HARD TO BE HER FRIEND – IVE BEEN AVOIDING HER CALLS LATELY SHE’LL BLOW UP MY PHONE – CALLING UP TO 10X A DAY. ANYWAY, I DROPPED HER OFF AT THE PLACE AND TWO GIRLS WERE FIST FIGHTING INSIDE AS SHE ARRIVED. I WONDER IF SHES SLEEPING NOW- I HOPE SHE’LL BE ALRIGHT. IT WAS JUST A PLAIN VICTORIAN HOME WITH BARS ON THE WINDOWS– 10 WOMEN- 12 KIDS- SHE MAKES 11 & 13 …FUCKIN SAM….

I CAME BACK TO SAN FRANCISCO TODAY-
ON THE DRIVE UP TO MENDOCINO I SAW A BOY HITCHING –
BACKPACKING- LIVING ON THE ROAD …
I DAYDREAMED ABOUT PICKING HIM UP LONG AFTER I TURNED THE OTHER WAY. I MADE IT TO A TOWN AND PICKED UP A SANDWICH AND A CASE OF BREW – IN-LINE— A GIRL WITH A TATTERED PLAID FLANNEL SHIRT WAS BUYING A 40 OZ OF OLD-E… SHE REMINDED ME OF ME WHEN I WAS 16 17 – SOME HOW I ENVIED HER – EVEN THOUGH SHE LOOKED HOMELESS AND MORE SCREWED THAN ME…WE WERE ABOUT THE SAME AGE 24-25 – I NAMED HER JUNE.

I WANT TO RUN AWAY – DRIVE – LIVE ON NOTHING BUT LUCK AND MISFORTUNE – NO FUTURE JUST THE RIGHT NOW- FUCK EVERYTHING ELSE – FUCK MONEY. I’M JUST OLD AND ITS DOESN’T MAKE SENSE TO RUN..BUT HOW CAN IT FEEL SO RIGHT. HOW DOES IT MENTALLY STABILIZE ME. MAYBE I DON’T WANT HELP – JUST WANNA BE LOST? MAYBE I BELIEVE I CAN ONLY LIVE LOST. HIDDEN SOME HOW.

I SAW THE MOVIE CHARLIE B THE OTHER DAY…. THERE WAS THIS LINE
” I CAN’T KILL MYSELF, I HAVE TO MANY RESONSIBLITYS” I WAS THE ONLY ONE IN THE PLACE TO LAUGH…

WHEN I WAS A ADOLESCENT I DID A LOT OF DRUGS – ON THE FACT THAT I HATED MY BURDEN OF THE HAIR ON MY BODY. I HID- I RAGED- I ABUSED ME. CAN’T TOUCH ANYTHING NOW – I DON’T EVEN LIKE TO BE AROUND NOTHING BUT BOOZE AND WEED. IVE ALWAYS LIKED TO DRINK- WHEN I WAS SEEING A THERAPIST BACK IN NOV SHE TOLD ME I ABSOLUTELY HAD TO QUIT- THAT IT WAS AN ENHANCING DEPRESSIVE- NO MEDICATION COULD COMPETE… I CAN’T…. IVE ALWAYS FELT “ITS ALL I HAVE”- & I DON’T DRINK AS HEAVY AS I USED TO. FEW YEARS AGO I ASKED TO BE TESTED FOR P.C.O.S.- I WASN’T SHOCKED WHEN I GOT THE “POSITIVE” BACK . IT MADE SENSE ONE OF THE SYMPTOMS IS A CONDITION CALLED HIRSUTISM- EXCESSIVE HAIR GROWTH- IN PLACES ON A WOMEN WERE THEIR SHOULDN’T BE HAIR. (MAN I ALMOST CRIED JUST WRITING THAT LINE) … IVE GOTTEN SOME LASER TREATMENT- IT CHANGED MY LIFE …MY PERSPECTIVE A LOT … BUT I’M STILL VERY MUCH COVERED AND EMOTIONALLY SCARED – I COULDN’T EVEN TYPE LET ALONE SAY THE WORD “HAIR” BEFORE.

I’M SICK OF HEARING MYSELF THINK

– DESCRIBE –

I JUST NEED TO GOUGE IN THE DIRT BLOOD SWEAT AND TEARS TO REACH A REALIZATION OR A APPRECIATION. i hope I’m right-

I’M GONNA STOP
MY HEART FEELS SO BLACK
I EVEN FEEL LIKE AN IDIOT BECAUSE THIS IS WRITTEN SO TERRIBLY DAMN-IT IT DOESN’T EVEN MATTER!!!!!! I’M JUST VENTING
I’M JUST VENTING …
.I APOLOGIZE FOR THE CAPS- I STARTED WRITING IN SUCH A FURY OF EMOTION BY THE TIME I LOOKED UP..WELL – I DECIDED TO LEAVE IT
SUITES MY FEELING– THE THOUGHT THAT I’M SCREAMING ALL THIS AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS.