Pattern Dissection
I’m working on dissecting a pattern. My head is still pretty wrapped up in it, so please excuse my circle talking.
It goes like this:
1) something is difficult
2) I start thinking about it a lot
3) I start trying to problem solve it
4) I notice that Joe and I aren’t talking much
5) I start to feel like he’s mad at me
6) I feel alone
7) I can’t talk about it because it’s too hard
8) I stop thinking about it because it’s too hard
9) I get angry and feel hurt and unsupported and hole up in my head
fast forward a few days
10) I feel like the only answer is to get a divorce
11) I tell Joe
12) within 48 hours, I’m back to being able to see how to cope and would never EVER think of seperating or divorcing.
Joe’s reaction at step 11 is to allow me to be in this crazy place and keep telling me he supports me and loves me. But I know it leaves some lasting effects. It has to.
The last two times this has happened, I’ve seen my self leading up to step 10 and comparing it to how I felt the last time. Both times I felt totally justified in thinking divorcing was the only answer, that this time was different, that there was no other way. And both times, within 48 hours, I’m totally back to ‘normal’, whatever that is, and can’t believe I thought that.
This happens about every 3 months or so. I don’t know if it’s something I can cope my way out of, given that I’ve been trying to get a clear scope on it and I get so completely turned around and in too deep while still feeling like I’m thinking clearly. But, it’s hard to see how some kind of medication would be helpful since it happens so infrequently, compared to symptoms in my past that came at me daily, weekly or hourly.
Knowing rationally what I do about co-dependency, I think there is something going on that I don’t know about yet. I create an environment of dis-ease because I need him to express his commitment to me? It’s depression on a cycle that hits a low I’m not used to? I need to feel unattached in order to feel strong enough to pull myself out of the funk?
All this and more tonight at 11.
September 6th, 2007 at 10:26 pm
I have planned and told my guy that I was going to get a divorce many, many times. For me, it is usually something inside that I do not wish to see, work on or it’s just too painful. When I first got that, I was really pissed. I just get so tired of trying to process everything. Don’t you think it’s a natural function of the self protection thing in our brains?
September 7th, 2007 at 3:04 pm
At the lowest points of my depression, I think but do not tell my hubby about why he would be better off w/o me in his life. And at the same time I do know that I would not “survive” these bouts if I didn’t know he would be there at the other end of the tunnel, that he put’s up with what he does because he loves me. I’ve tested his love over and over and still do in little ways. Someday I will fully believe that. And that’s why we both hang on.
September 8th, 2007 at 1:14 am
It’s an interesting pattern, and it takes work to cut through. Luckily, it seems to work for the most part… hard as it is.
Keep on rocking Leahpeah.
September 10th, 2007 at 1:22 pm
Hah! I do this exact same thing in my relationships.
September 12th, 2007 at 1:40 pm
What a timely post.
I do this also. And I fucking hate it.
What the hell??
He’s about at the end of his rope.
Is there a solution for this type of sabotage?
September 14th, 2007 at 10:46 pm
Once every three months isn’t infrequent. It sounds more like the destructive, dysphoric mania end of a bipolar disorder cycle.