Oh hi, i have been absent from writing here for a long time, I have remained present on the inside reading comments, moderating occassionally. Keeping everyone in my thoughts.

I went off Lexapro last september for a variety of reasons. Most importantly i felt the medication was making my mania, depression and self-harming behaviours worse. My marriage had ended after my husband found out i had had an affair. The medication didn’t make me have the affair neither did being bi-polar, but those things definately had some influence on the choices i made. After being on medication for three years and being hospitalized for an overdose of prescription drugs,  a subsequent suicide attempt and two years of depression i decided to try life without medical intervention. I had a feeling that being medicated was making me worse.

I tapered off Lexapro over an eight week period. It was very difficult. I did it without doctor supervision for fear that my doctor would not agree with my self-diagnosis.

After three months i felt completely normal. Like the jess i used to know. I still had chronic anxiety and fears of depression coming back out of hiding. But, i could think clearer than i had in years. I could look, with perspective, at the mess my life had become. I saw, regretfully, the pain i had inflicted on those around me and the stupid choices i had made.

I could also see that i still had children who loved me and that i had managed to cobble together a life on my own. A home, a job self-sufficient. Something i had never been. Independent. Last spring and summer were monumental for me in regards to personal growth. It was an amazing time capped off by a trip to BlogHer in july. I was proud, strong and confidant.

In august my ex-husband and i began the painful process of trying to reconcile. I moved back into his home and we tried to come back together as a family. It hasn’t gone very well. The pain he has combined with my guilt has been incredibly difficult. It is a very tough path we are on and we have both thrown in the towel on several occassions only to crawl back in the ring and give it another round. The fight is nearly over.

Last week i went to my doctor because i have been having this irritating and frightening problem with orgasm-induced migraines. The pain is so intense and instant that i feared i was actually dying of an aneurism. I have started taking amitriptyline, an anti-depressant, to control the migraines. I don’t know yet if they are working as i have been too nervous to “test”.

I have noticed that my brain is slowly slipping back into it’s medicated state. My anxiety has lessened, but feelings of despair and depression have crept back in. Obviously, i am in a not great situation at home that is adding to the hopeless feelings, but i keep thinking is it really the medication? Am i a hypochondriac? Does anybody else feel this way on drugs? And really? Is it worth it, is a life without orgasm better than a life depressed. I think probably.