Once again I am in that place where I actively question everything and everyone that I think I know, or think I understand. Periodically, I get here and it seems hopeless and sad. It is important for me to remember that it will pass and new things will come into my awareness to change the tides.

As this is where my thoughts are traveling and exploring, this is what I’m writing about.

Lonely is the word that I find best to describe the look on my face, the tone of my voice, the slight droop of my shoulders and the slowness of my steps. Don’t ask me to “cheer up” or “get over it” because I WOULD IF I COULD.

I believe in the theory that the more we think certain things, a path is created in our brains that wasn’t originally there, helping it to become a habit. If we can find the start and finish, perhaps we can redirect that path, changing it’s course and having a better life experience as a result.

Movies about people finding themselves left in a town that’s been over-run by zombies, leaving one person, one normal person left, always creep me out. All people cannot be trusted, they are unsafe, they are wolves in sheep’s clothing. The unsettling part of it for me is that this place I am in, feels just like that. I haven’t figured out yet why this happens, I suspect it is a seasonal change combined with my history.

Oh goodie.

The mist of uncertainty, doubt and mis-trust. In the past, I’ve ended relationships, I’ve quit things, backed away from people and just kept to myself in order to feel safe.

Safety has always been an important factor for me. I would daydream about having an older brother that could protect me. I’ve often projected this need for protection onto men I’ve had relationships with. Just to keep my perpetual issue from never running out of ammunition, if anyone slightly attempted to care for me I would chop them off at the knees.

There is a difference in this period of my life, I am older (hopefully wiser), and it doesn’t have to include the wreckage of the past.

At least, I hope it doesn’t.