I have been on medication for two years. I have tried drugs at other points in my life, but never stuck to them, or became addicted to them. Ativan, lorazepam – they are my friends. Too much so. My addictive personality. I can’t use moderation with those “downer” type  meds. So the doctors just don’t give them to me anymore.

I have been on Cipralex/Lexapro 15mg for almost a year. I switched to this medication from Effexor which made me have uncontrollable brain shivers and twitching. I wanted to believe it was helping. I wanted it to help. I don’t think it ever really did. It certainly didn’t stop me from trying to commit suicide. It didn’t stop me from being sad most of the time.

It did, however, keep me from having ten or more panic attacks every day, in every social situation. It did give me the strength to make some incredibly difficult changes in my life. It gave me the backbone to leave a toxic marriage. It helped me to get through the first few months of being single and a single mother.

I could never shake the feeling of fogginess the enveloped my brain. The twitching in bed. The insomnia. The headaches. The aching in my joints. The loss of libido. The loss of desire to read. To write. Trying to grasp at straws by drinking wine. Trying to bring back some semblance of the vibrant artistic, passionate person i used to be.

Over the past few months as i have looked at myself. Really looked at myself. I realized that, for me, the cost to my self-esteem of taking medication and it’s side-effects are too much. That i was ready to try life free from the chains of the big drug companies. To look in to a more holistic way of treating myself. Exercise, herbal remedies, vitamins, sleep, less alcohol. I am more than willing to go back on medication if this doesn’t work. I have to make that deal with myself. For me. For my children.

But, as of this week i am med free. I am in pain from withdrawal. It is tougher than i thought it would be. But i am hopeful. I have hope. That is something wonderful.