Deja Vu All Over Again
I’ve suffered from severe clinical depression with bouts of psychosis since I was 18. In the past 20 years I’ve dealt with it on my own, no meds and no doctors. Recently, about 5 weeks ago, I finally had to go find some help and due to financial reasons I had to go to my county’s MHMR Dept. I’m grateful to them for getting me in so fast without having to wait. I’m taking Paxil, Trazodone, and now Cymbalta as well. Recently they added Abilify to the mix. My case manager and my doctor tell me to be patient, and I’m trying to. Despite having no hope I’m waiting. Waiting for the meds to work. Waiting to come out of this awful black hole I’m in. I feel like I’m waiting for death. I’m being patient, but it’s so very hard when the pain and suffering is so deep. There’s a vivid image I have of me taking a gun and shooting myself. I have it more and more lately. It plays on a loop in my mind, over and over, and I can’t stop it. I can’t control my own thoughts, my own mind, my own self. It’s such a helpless feeling and it scares me beyond words. The thoughts are sometimes loud, not mine, external. Voices telling me to harm myself.
I’m trying to be patient, to hold on, but it’s unbelievably hard and I’m confused and scared. I’m waiting, but the perch I’m on is precarious and I feel like I’m close to falling off of it to my death. If I had a broken bone would I be told to wait, to be patient? Wouldn’t I be given something for pain immediately? Wouldn’t they set my broken bone ASAP? Surely I wouldn’t have to wait weeks and weeks for relief. People I thought were my friend say “why don’t you snap out of it” or “I won’t let anything destroy my happiness”. That sort of lack of understanding and lack of compassion hurts, but hearing things like that isn’t new to me. Lots of people don’t understand clinical depression or mental illness. They haven’t a clue how awful it is. I’m not “letting” it destroy me. I can’t help or stop it, and I can’t just “snap out of it”. I can’t control it right now, I wish I could. I don’t voluntarily feel this way or intentionally put myself through this. People can’t imagine how awful it is unless they’ve experienced it themselves. If I had a broken bone protruding through my bloody skin they could then see how awful it is and how it must hurt. They could see something is desperately wrong. Then they’d understand and then they’d show some compassion. You can’t just snap out of a broken bone. So here I sit with a broken mind, terribly scared, shaking and panicked, sick, waiting, being patient. People with broken bones are lucky.
Signed,
Anonymous
February 3rd, 2008 at 11:06 am
Please hold on a little longer. Know that people reading you here DO understand, DO see your pain and know how REAL it is, and wish they could embrace you in a blanket of compassion. Please hold on a little longer, hold on to the idea that as black and dark and alone as you feel now, nonetheless you are in fact a part something larger than yourself, something that binds all of us together, all of us lost and alone and scared. I know I can’t be the only one who read this and wanted to cry, wanted to reach out and embrace you, send you love and hope and let you know how much you matter. If you have lived with this for so long, you must be very strong indeed. PLEASE don’t give up yet. PLEASE keep posting here. PLEASE.
February 3rd, 2008 at 12:42 pm
I know that it can be paralysing and completely debilitating, although I have no first hand personal experience [luckily]
BEst wishes
February 3rd, 2008 at 1:12 pm
HANG ON HANG ON HANG ON!
RUN do not WALK, RUN back to the doctor!
Having been in my own scary, dark, terribly alone place…..I can hear your anguish and although my words may not make it less, please listen.
Mental illness HURTS. It is painful to wait to feel better. You need more help. DEMAND IT! Give the meds time to work, and if these don’t work then try new meds.
I came out of my pain, slowly and wobbly but I came out and you CAN TOO!
DON’T GIVE IN, Don’t GIVE UP! Just breathe in and out.
I hear you, I HEAR YOU. Go get MORE, more help. You deserve it.
I hope you find the strength to push forward. I hope peace and relief finds you soon.
HANG ON, FIGHT BACK!
Cindi
February 3rd, 2008 at 4:23 pm
I feel confident in saying that I know exactly how you feel and how awful this period of waiting is- but as you’re waiting try to do a little exercise: every time your brain comes around with that image of you with a gun in your hand- remind yourself that that’s just the mental illness playing the self harm tape over and over. It isn’t your spirit.
You wouldn’t blow your brains out because you had a broken bone (to use your own excellent analogy), so having a broken brain is not a whole lot different. I broke my hip and didn’t get any help for two weeks (during which time I couldn’t walk) and being in excruciating pain because I thought I had just pulled a muscle. So I know what it’s like to wait in grave pain for a body to heal.
You can totally do it. It’s a bummer that the meds don’t generally work instantly, but when they find one that works for you I think you’ll be very thankful you held on.
Everyone here at Realmental knows what you’re going through and knows you can’t just snap out of it.
My thoughts are with you!!
Twenty years of pulling through without help shows that you are a very strong person who wants to be well. So I know you can do it.
February 3rd, 2008 at 8:56 pm
We get it. We know that you can’t “snap” out of it. We understand how it feels to be screaming for help and no one races to help you. We have been on that phone asking for help and hearing the very “helpful” advice of “if you need immediate attention call 911 or get to an emergency room.”
Know that you aren’t alone. Continue to advocate for your medical needs. That act can be empowering in itself. If you aren’t feeling better after the period of time you should be, ask for more help. Keep in touch with your doctor. Keep writing here. Keep reading the amazing stories here. We are your “virtual” community of support, and many, many of us have walked the same journey, we speak the same language, we have seen the same blackness.
Perhaps a little visual reminder, a cue, would be appropriate to put in your pocket? A little splint from the drugstore? The kind you wear if your finger has a sprain? It could remind you that you’re needing extra support right now … and you’re waiting for the meds to kick in and heal the break.
Hold on.
February 3rd, 2008 at 9:15 pm
I’m so sorry you’re hurting so badly. I’m so proud of you for reaching out for help- keep on reaching, keep on asking for help. Hang on, and keep working hard at getting well. I’m thinking of you.
February 4th, 2008 at 11:32 am
You can do it, and you have a whole community of people here who want you to make it. We want you to make it, to use the clearly excellent writing skills you’ve used here to keep us posted on how you are doing. Please hang in there.
February 4th, 2008 at 6:27 pm
Hang on there! You can do it! You’ve managed your way this far already…and we want you to make it! WE understand you…at any point in our lives…we have been in that situation…we still do get to that once in awhile…yet…we are still here.
Keep in touch with…
February 5th, 2008 at 12:29 pm
The one thing I have found that makes suffering bearable is to take it moment by moment. I realized at one point that I could help myself by not constantly projecting into the future – thinking of all the things I would be unable to do, should this pain continue. I just do what I can, every day, modifying my activities to suit my condition and pushing myself a little, learning what I can handle and what I can’t. Fear of the future was half my problem, and without that, I can manage.
Take care.
February 5th, 2008 at 4:46 pm
Ohhhh honey. I can’t explain how much I relate to this post. Living with depression is sometimes absolute f’ing torture. I PROMISE that once the meds start working/ you find the right cocktail- life will be bearable again.
February 7th, 2008 at 2:09 pm
OH I SO know what you are going through. I have been there, with the suicide thought sliding into your mind, and you turn away, turn away, and still it is there. If the means to hurt yourself is at hand, get RID of it if you can. When you feel the thoughts of self-harm are so powerful, pull up your socks and go to a public place, just sit at the mall, the library, anywhere you can go and know that right now you are safe, OK, right now you have the upper hand. And the next time. And the next. And moment by moment, day by day, you will be approaching a place where you will feel much better. Think of getting to that place, how good you will feel, imagine that the now is just the miserable part of the trip, like the car broke down, the plane is delayed, but once you get to that destination of peace, all this misery will seem like a bad dream. We who have been through this ARE with you in spirit, we know damn well you can’t ‘snap out of it’ and we know that it feels hopeless at times. BUT you can do it, I have done it and I’m the queen of give-up-ed-ness! Hold on.
February 13th, 2008 at 3:56 pm
You are so much stronger than I am, to have been through this much, and you are fighting so hard. There are people that love you, maybe they dont know how to help you, or what the right thing to say is, but there are a lot of people that care.
Hold on, it is going to be worth it.
February 25th, 2008 at 7:29 pm
Hey, how are you doing? I’ve been thinking about this post ever since I read it. I hope you are hanging in there, finding help…
February 26th, 2008 at 4:51 pm
I’m hanging in there. Was hospitalized for about a week a couple of weeks ago. The voices were overwhelming and I acted on one and hurt myself. I feel better now though. Thanks for all the comments, and thank you Amy for asking about me.
The doc increased my Abilify while I was in the hospital to 15mg twice a day. I’m also on Paxil CR, Cymbalta, Klonipin and Trazodone. Seems like one hell of a lot of medication to be taking. Not liking how it makes me feel either, but the side effects are better than the other option I was willing to take, I suppose.
By the way, my name is David.
March 3rd, 2008 at 8:04 pm
Glad to hear back from you David and really glad you are doing better. Not sure how many people check back to comments in these older posts, so I know it would be appreciated if you posted an update and let everyone know how you are doing.
I suppose it may take some tinkering to find the dosages and combinations that minimize side effects…
:-)