By Coolbeans

The beginning of January is nice. The holidays are behind us, we get back into our routines, and my husband and I celebrate our anniversary. Then something bad happens. After the start of the new year, something in my brain goes haywire. I have fits of rage, tears, self-loathing, and an inability to hold my shit together before we can say “February.”

Things have been okay for the last few months. I’ve felt good. I like my job, my kids are normal enough, my marriage isn’t spiraling down the drain. We faced some tough stuff in December and just before Christmas it occurred to me that maybe the medication I take for depression isn’t working like it should. I was moody, weepy, angry, and tired. I decided to look at the issue after the holidays, hoping that after Christmas madness was over, I’d feel better again. I took a deep breath and held it.

Yesterday, I had a fit. I could call it an attack, but I think “fit” is better. I was angry, I was sad. I wanted to scream, cry, break something. Nobody could do anything right and I hate everything. Hopelessness, sadness, despair, rot. Where does this come from? Why won’t it stop fucking with me? I’m doing the stuff I’m supposed to, for fuck’s sake. I just want to be NORMAL. Normal, la-dee-dah BORING. Sane. Stupidly, ignorantly happy, even.

I thought that I’d be fine this year. I’m taking medicine, life is alright. But no. The inside of my head feels pulled and twisted and right now, throwing things doesn’t feel optional.

2005
At the beginning of January, I had some little panic attacks and struggled with insomnia. The space inside my head where I hear all the voices was really loud and I couldn’t hear one voice over another. I tried to focus on one thing at a time and just couldn’t. It was all a jumbled mess in my brain.

2006
The Funk that lurks in the dark corners of my mental state has stretched its long and sticky arms and is presently trying to suffocate my pysche. For some reason, my marbles get lost this time of year. I decided I’m not going to order medication this time. I called my therapist today instead. Of course, she’s out of the office until Tuesday. Until then, I might be laying low.

2007
Someone I know: “Hi, I know you!”
Me: “You can’t see me. I’m invisible now!”
Someone I know: “You are one crazy bitch.”
Me: *cries*

2008
What is going on here? What is it about January that makes me batshit crazy even when things seem fine, good, great?