By Doreen Ashlee

I am a person that dissociates. Use to be other personalities, now it’s just strange mind sets. I make decisions, thinking I am ok. But then at some point later it’s like I wake from a dream and can see clearly.

Like looking through sunglasses and then suddenly taking them off and every thing is clear and bright.

I never know when I am looking through those sunglasses til they are removed.

I make decisions that seem perfectly sane, seem perfectly clear, and then suddenly it’s like I wake up and what have I done??

I use to shop in what I called black outs. Now it seems I get rid of my things. I feel that if I get rid of the things that represent me, that I too will disappear.

Last summer the counting started. Counting how many teddy bears or dolls I have. Wanting to keep the numbers low.

I kept asking people what is wrong with me. One friend thought it was something spiritual. The elimination of things in my life. That was a great idea, but it really felt more like purging. Like an intense pressure building up, til it was released, by donating my things.

Its been a year, this past June.

It hurt emotionally to part with some of the things I loved. But I thought it was a good thing.

Then last week a friend and I rescued a bunch of teddy bears out of a trash bin. Her’s for a yard sale and five I chose to take home.

Those 5 bears jump started my creativity once again. I felt a flow of inspiration that had been dormant for some time.

And then the sunglasses were lifted and I had clear vision once again.

And now I feel the loss of the things I loved and parted with.
Letting go of some things was fine, others were not.

I wish I could tell when I am wearing the sunglasses.
Its hard living with the consequences.
Today my vision is clear but for how long? I do not know.