Relief…for now
They’re working. My drugs are working. After months, MONTHS, of going through hell, I feel…almost normal. Whatever the hell normal is, that is.
I saw my doctor two weeks ago and told her what happened with the high dose of Wellbutrin. I had already knocked myself down to the half dose, expecting that she’d take me off it altogether, but that’s not what she did. Instead, she kept me on the low dose and added a low dose of Celexa to the mix. She said that because I did not react well to any one drug thus far, mixing two different classes of drugs was the next course of action.
I was skeptical. If one drug could screw me up, what on earth were two going to do?
Starting on the Celexa was not fun. Nausea, migraines, diarrhea, exhaustion. Hours would go by without me noticing. It felt as though the world was spinning so fast and I was moving in slow motion. It was almost impossible to get even the simplest tasks done. By the end of the second week on the half-dose, the symptoms were beginning to abate and I was starting to feel as though the depression was lifting a little bit. Then, I started taking the regular dosage and the side-effects dealt me another blow to the head and gut. Physically, I felt like hell. But emotionally…I was happy.
Happy.
I had forgotten what it was like to feel happy: to laugh, to smile, to make an effort to go out, see my friends and have fun.
Fun.
I was finally having fun. After being miserable and zoned out of life for so long.
What amazes me about this disease is how easy it is to forget what it feels like to feel good. When you have a bad day or week or month, you feel as though this is what life is going to be like from now on. On the flip side, when you start feeling better, it’s hard not to think, “Hooray! I’m cured! I’m never going to be depressed again!!”
Right now, I’m trying to find the balance between those two extremes. Things are looking up, but part of me wonders, “How long until the other shoe drops?”
December 23rd, 2007 at 10:58 pm
May it won’t? [drop] maybe you’ve stepped off the roller coaster and have a chance to just surf for a change?
Best wishes
December 24th, 2007 at 1:35 am
i know what you mean – most mornings i wake physically and emotionally depressed and now i work to get up and face the day regardless of how i feel. i am fighting for “happy”. people who don’t struggle with depression just don’t understand the concept of not being able to be happy. effexor xr helps, it’s been the best for me, but it took years of lots of cocktails of meds till a psychiatrist said lets do this… and it worked after a while.
thanks for sharing … keep pressing on
December 24th, 2007 at 8:55 am
Hoping the other shoe is a long way off. You’re so right about forgetting what it feels like to be happy. I’m so happy you’ve recalled it again.
December 24th, 2007 at 10:22 am
I hope you are able to find that precious balance.
December 24th, 2007 at 6:38 pm
I’m so glad to hear that the new combo has allowed you to feel happy. I am happy for you, and on a more selfish note, I really needed to hear this message now. I’m gearing up for another call/visit to the pdoc as things aren’t so rosy around here these days. It is time to try something new/different. I will grasp happiness for a few days or weeks at a time and then poof. down the hole I fall again.
December 31st, 2007 at 2:00 am
I can tell you what we do when waiting for that other shoe to drop. Instead of waiting for it to *drop*, we try to be alert to…well, let’s say, to the shoe *loosening*. When the heel slips a little, do what you gotta do to get that shoe secure–wiggle your toes, flex your arch, whatever. It’s a lot easier to do that than it is to find, retrieve, and replace the shoe AFTER it’s dropped.
Wow, that was carrying an analogy a little too far. But you get what I mean–it’s about early intervention and PREvention, instead of recovery after the fact. This is when it’s great to have a significant other who knows you well to help spot trends in your behavior that can indicate shifts of mood before they happen. I know I’ve gotten really good at that, and even our daughter can kind of tell when “something’s up” now. Heck, our dogs can sense it. But it’s hard to see up close sometimes.