Running on empty
It drives my husband nuts when we’re out driving, and the empty tank warning noise comes on. “Why do you do that? It’s so easy to fill it earlier!” he fumes. The short answer would be that in my brain, it’s not time to fill it yet– it’s not yet necessary. Our definitions of when refueling needs to to happen are just different. He’s worried I’ll run out of gas– I think that I’ve managed it fine so far, and that I have some emergency gas in the back anyway.
But now I’m at an emotionally empty point, and I realize that the way I treat my car is the way I’ve been treating myself. I push myself to the very limit before stopping to refuel– and why? I’d readily agree my car needs gas to run. I wouldn’t argue that running out of gas is mightily inconvenient, and potentially dangerous, especially if I run out someplace deserted, or unlit, or in the middle of a snowstorm. Of course, in the abstract, I think I’d know enough to fuel up before such a trip, but there’s a difference between life and a road trip. Road trips are usually planned– you have some idea of where you’re going, and how long it will take. Life? Not so predictable– you can’t always tell when you’ll run out of gas in the middle of the wilderness.
I haven’t been maintaining myself well. I don’t know when I last did yoga, despite the fact that it contributes mightily to my emotional equanimity, and makes me feel less like a pretzel. I haven’t been reaching out to friends in hard times, and taking comfort from the love they’re more than willing to give me. I haven’t been saying no to too much work, because I want to prove myself capable– even though once taken on, I have no one below me to delegate other work to. I haven’t been telling people when they’ve crossed the line, emotionally or professionally, and have been allowing myself to be walked all over– except when I have a temper tantrum after things have gone too far, and that’s not effective boundary-creation– kind of like shooting the unwanted house guest after leaving the doors and windows open.
I almost found myself stranded in the wilderness at work this month. It’s a close call, and I don’t know yet what I am going to do next– but I am currently taking some time off to try to recharge. I mostly have lots of sleeping, reading, and taking baths on the agenda, but I am also planning on doing some yoga and walking, and trying to restore myself mentally and physically. Hopefully I will find myself in the process, and internalize the lesson of regular refueling.
December 10th, 2007 at 10:17 am
i, too, find that a big clue to my mental health is how I am caring for myself. My bellweather is my feet. They get cracked and dry and bleed if I don’t take care of them. Which lately, I haven’t been.
Hope your time off finds you rested and recharged, and thanks for the reminder.
December 10th, 2007 at 10:36 am
what a timely post. I was just thinking yesterday that I am sort of like an addict, who thinks she can have one drink, one hit- I think I can stay up late just one night. Then it is a whole week of late nights. Then no exercise, no calm mornings, and by the end of the week, you have one girl in a serious mess which takes all weekend to recover from.
eek. This could get really long. I’m going to continue on my blog.
You are not along- it ain’t easy doing what we know we need to.
December 10th, 2007 at 2:20 pm
Excellent blog. So glad I found this. I’m a psychologist/therapist/writer with a mood disorder, probably bipolar and I write about it, among other things on my blog. You are definitely link material.
December 10th, 2007 at 4:46 pm
You are so right. It is foolish to allow yourself to run out of gas, but I do it all th time (at least metaphorically).
December 10th, 2007 at 7:09 pm
I get really disappointed in myself when I don’t take care of myself. It becomes a bad cycle which gets worse before it gets better. It takes so much energy to take good care of ones self that it feels exhausting, but not as exhausting as not taking care.
December 10th, 2007 at 8:57 pm
I am also guilty of this myself…it’s a bit ironic that we get to neglect ourselves…of all people…yet, that is what’s happening.
Cheers…to spending more time and care for ourselves…it starts with convictions right?
(((hugs)))
December 11th, 2007 at 12:03 am
I took a walk today for the first time in a really long time and sadly it wasn’t voluntary (my keys got stuck in the ignition of my scooter and I had to walk to work). It felt so good. Why don’t I do that more often?
I keep telling myself that next month I’ll really take good care of myself, but next month is always a month away. Meanwhile I stay up too late, don’t exercise, eat poorly, and even start to forget to take some of my meds.
I’m going to bed before 12 am tonight. That’s a start, isn’t it?
December 11th, 2007 at 9:16 am
excellent post, and even more amazing is that you are aware of this all. being aware, as you know is progress :)
thanks for the reminder to be watchful of how i am treating myself.
December 11th, 2007 at 5:17 pm
I hear you. I am the same way. Why doesn’t the bath, the walk, the sit-down-with-a-cup-of-tea happen much sooner?
But I don’t mean to be a dork here, but I’m worried about the extra gas you have in the back of your car. Is that safe?
Please be safe. :)
December 13th, 2007 at 10:19 am
I’m can so relate to your post. This has been the theme in my life this fall and what I am working on most with my therapist. She breaks it down very concretely for me: if I had a cancer in my leg, would I be training for a marathon? My illness is in my brain–why do I tax it so? Push it to the limit? When I go to bed early, take my meds, eat my veggies, make time for working out, etc., I find that I have that much more fuel in my tank for coping with the likes of my mom and other toxic people in my life. I just hope that I can stick with it…