the fourth time
The fourth time i tried to kill myself hasn’t happened yet.
I am making some of the hardest decisions i have ever had to make to ensure that it doesn’t happen again. Today my husband asked me to come home, he pleaded. He asked me to come back and make an effort to work things out. To be a family again.
So many parts of me would love to do that. The support. The friend to talk to. But i know in my heart that the environment i lived in for the past seven years is directly related to the debilitating depression that i suffered for the past two years. I can’t put faith, or take the chance, in the idea that things will change.
I need the change i have now. I need to stay alive. For myself, for my children, for my husband. I want to stay alive. I feel better in the past three months than i have in the past nine years. It’s been hard. Incredibly hard to walk away from my marriage. But, for me, that’s the key. It’s been hard. It’s made me sad. But, i am not depressed.
I can truly say that. For the first time in so long. I am not depressed.
Being on my own has made that happen.
I’m sorry for that.
November 15th, 2007 at 3:19 am
I’m sorry for that too Jess. But maybe although you may not be “together” under the same roof…you can still have that friend. At any rate…I am so very glad that you are taking those hard steps to ensure that there isn’t a fourth time.
November 15th, 2007 at 10:29 am
Wishing you continuing strength to make the hard decisions that nevertheless feel right
November 15th, 2007 at 10:59 pm
this is the most important sentence in your post: “I feel better in the past three months than i have in the past nine years.”
if we don’t take care of ourselves, we cannot take care of others. just like the oxygen mask demo on flights..
November 16th, 2007 at 7:26 pm
Getting over that gap between what the world thinks you should need and what you actually really need is sometimes tough.
November 20th, 2007 at 8:51 am
Glad to read this. I had sensed that you were in a better space since the separation, but wasn’t sure, from your other blog. I can totally relate to what you are saying. There’s a big difference between sadness and depression. The former is much more workable. When I left my marriage I felt guilty, I felt cruel, I felt liberated. It wasn’t a bad marriage, but I could not fit myself into it. He did nothing wrong. He is a good man. I just couldn’t do it. Leaving gave me the life I have now. It took a long time before I could forgive myself for being happy.