I am a Step Mother
I am a step mother that happens to love my step daughter as if she were my own flesh and blood. This has been a huge problem in my life over the past 8 years and I’ve made a LOT of mistakes.
My step daughter isn’t living with us now, it was decided and agreed that she needed the opportunity to live with her mother for a school year. She is coming home for Christmas and the day I made those flight arrangements, I felt the best I’d felt since she left at the beginning of the summer.
Now that the dates are even closer, I am beginning to have generalized anxiety about the visit. Worried that she won’t love me anymore, or has she changed that much?
Since she left, I don’t visit her room because the smell of her, the energy in her room, I cannot bear. Then the whole missing her, the whole fucking truck load of feelings that are there.
I have been working my ass off in therapy to try and correct, make better, and change for the betterment of myself, my daughter, and everyone else involved. Loving and taking care of her has never been the issue.
No one handed me a book to tell me how to be a step parent, and while there are books out there, I never found them to be very useful.
This is due to the fact, that EVERY situation is different. This is because EVERY child and set of parents is different. There is no magic formula for any of it.
Even the therapists of the world have no clue. You try and stick to the basics of human understanding “the things you learned in kindergarten” and do the best you can with what you have.
I have figuratively had my heart outside of my body, open and bleeding with several people stomping and chanting BURN WITCH, BURN!
As a step parent, people will lie and hate you. You will hate yourself. You will wonder 80 times a day if maybe you should just go away so everyone will be happy, including the child involved.
I am not supposed to “really” love my step child, nor am I supposed to refer to her as “daughter.” Why you may ask? Well, it bothers her bio mom. And, I can understand that completely.
Many times over the years I have tried to put myself in her mom’s shoes, we haven’t always had the best relationship, and this is not satisfying to me. I like to iron things out and move towards solutions.
I am not without fault; I have made some of the stupidest mistakes of my life in this past 8 years. I’ve often wondered if I should write a book of things NOT TO DO as a step parent.
One in particular, “Do not write about your daughter’s mother on your PERSONAL BLOG.” I should have seen that one before I even committed the crime but no, I did not.
As a step parent, I am damned if I do and damned if I don’t. I am blamed for more than my share. Step parents are easy targets, especially, loud mouth sensitive step parents like ME.
There are so many worry thoughts in my head; there are parts of the brain that wish to pounce. I can’t pounce, I must remain calm, and I must remain in my own space. I HAVE to remember that this visit is about HER and not ME, and I am to enjoy every moment with her with no worrying about the “what ifs.”
People have always said, “She’s not your real child.” What the FUCK does that even matter? I can love any child regardless of whether that child came out of my womb or not. Am I wrong to love her, I think not.
How do I please everyone in the situation, how do I love and nurture a child that has a mother?
I’ll send you twenty dollars if you have a reasonable solution for me.
Swear.
November 13th, 2007 at 6:16 pm
So she has a bio-mom. That doesn’t mean you can’t or shouldn’t love her. That her bio-mom would say that, or even imply it, is evidence of a fucked-up and desperately insecure individual.
If you love your step-daughter, then… just love her. She’s lucky to have a step-mom who loves her, and even if she doesn’t know it or understand it now, I’m betting she’ll figure it out.
November 13th, 2007 at 7:08 pm
No advice, just best wishes for a good visit. I often call my in-laws “the family I choose.” That’s who your daughter is. Good luck.
November 13th, 2007 at 7:14 pm
when it comes to the heart, i don’t think we can tell it to love or not love or to only love so much. you just love her how much you love her. and i hope that is ok even though it’s so hard. and i know it’s so hard since i’m on the other side of the coin as the bio-mom. but like i tell my ex and his wife – there is no such thing as too much love for a kid. the more the better. xoxo
November 13th, 2007 at 9:27 pm
You know, not all mothers are the best parents and I think it’s important to recognize that children can and do benefit from the love, support, and encouragement given to them from people other than mom and dad. It’s a fresh voice for them to listen to. It expands their world and gives them a different perspective. I think you should not think about things in terms of pleasing everyone because that’s impossible. What I know to be true about children is that they respond to kindness/gentleness, and so I would try to always be kind and careful with her heart. I would ask questions and listen to her answers. I would show her my love for her by doing things with her and for her. I would let her know that she could count on me, no matter what, to always be there for her. If your heart is in the right place, and from what I’ve read here, I can tell that it is, then you won’t fail. You’ll do fine.
November 14th, 2007 at 7:02 pm
well, first of all not going for the $20. as a mom of 2 girls now “grown”, i will tell you.. if you love them they just know it. Be yourself thats all you can do, love her with all your heart, she is a gift to you. and you to her. who says there is a limit to how many people can love us. we are loved differently by everyone. and furtermore, you wont please everyone. not gonna happen. you & i both know that is because everyone does not have reasonable expectations. All children want is your attention. they are not stupid. they need unconditional love, and they can tell for certain when it is genuine and sincere. i am the last one to tell anyone to just “turn off the WORRY”, b/c i am the Queen of worry. but try to let it go. I had a stepmom that believed it was all about her. 30 years later, still dont love her, or even like her. You already know its not about you, so she will sense that. and if not now, she will later. you wont be the one that caused any scars for her. I was also a step mom and i know how people can play head games. the adults teach their children how to play along. no magic answer for that. Hope its a BEAUTIFUL, WONDERFUL Christmas for you. xoxo Noreen :)
November 14th, 2007 at 10:00 pm
Remember that whole “it takes a village” thing? Well, it’s true. It really does. And the more positive, supportive adults in a child’s life, the better. Your daughter is lucky to have you. And don’t sell yourself short – being a mother doesn’t mean being the vaginal source of a child, it means being an adult who puts the child before herself, exactly like you’re doing.
November 14th, 2007 at 11:19 pm
to all who left their comments, thank you. the support here is amazing. i was afraid of the response, hoping i wasn’t bringing up something too “taboo”. yeah, i’m crazy. thanks and more thanks.
November 15th, 2007 at 1:01 am
just love her as much as you can- that is never a mistake. i’ll take my twenty dollars now.
December 26th, 2007 at 1:45 pm
I really do empathize with you. I love my stepdaughter, I have always been so scared to love her because deep down I know I will get hurt somehow in the process and that is scary. She will always choose her mother over me. It’s how it should be. But that doesn’t mean it won’t hurt. Thank God I also have my own biological daughter, otherwise I don’t know if I could cope with being a step mom. It was really hard before my daughter was born, to be a step mom. Now it’s a little easier. My only advice would be, try not to take everything so seriously, and also to be good to YOU. Give yourself a break for not being perfect. Kick back with a good book, a hot cup of tea, and relax. Happy Holidays!