By StormyBluez

I don’t feel good.

I went to my psychiatric App. 1st in 10 years – it was horrible, I felt worst than before I went in yesterday, He was so rushy – he said – 1 on 1 – on an on going basis was not what they offered – tops is 6 sessions solo.

Everything else is in groups, I know myself- I’m shy enough as it is and so insecure – I KNOW its not my cup of tea.

Every fucking book on the man’s self was … THIS BOYS Life – A MAN’S MIND – MALE EROGENOUS – MEN AND SEX – MY Father’s father – MEN & Psychosis>>>> uUuHHHgggGHH!!!!!- I asked to be referred to a women – the bastard never followed up! –

I got in my car and started to cry- I already wanted to give up after 17 min of being in there- but today I woke up and didn’t give up.. because its about ME not them right?….

I went to the the other guy who gives you the Meds- he was OK he’s selection of books was a bit more vast but most important of all I felt like he LISTENED___ even if he only had 10 min for me because I was late he saw me for longer and genuinely asked and observed me. He put me on Lexapro 10 mg and Trazodone 50mg, I took the Lexapro – 40 min later i felt extremely dizzy, i wanted to vomit – high anxiety, very irritating sounds, SICK u know- I called the doc he said it was the first side effects to split it in half next time.

Now I’m just questioning were I am . Why I’m thinking i need these meds? and why am I crossing these Male ego-ed Bastards….. Do I even belong here!!!.

I’m scared and confused I don’t want to feel FLAT but that’s how all Anti D’s make you feel right?
Because at least I know what I’m gonna feel when I’m sad….. It’s familiar.
But thinking about how I’m gonna feel on medication frightens me.

I’m so lost…

All I know is that I am not very nice to myself when I am in that familiar place, I am exhausted of feeling like shit. & I don’t want to feel like a vegetable either. ..maybe I just started off bad. (like every aspect of my life)….