I’m In A Box
I’m in a box in my head. It’s padded and not completely uncomfortable. It’s really not anything. I’m really not anything.
I can totally understand why people get off their meds. My meds are doing precisely what my shrink told me they would: they have allowed me to be one step removed from my actions. I have plenty of time to sit back and look at my emotions before I feel them. I don’t really feel them even as I examine them. I feel weighted. Heavy. But I don’t really care.
Even as I write this, I don’t really care. I remember caring. And I remember what it used to feel like being in a manic-up stage and feeling like I was invincible. And I do miss that. But only kind of. I also kind of remember feeling super sad. But was it really THAT bad? Now I’m not so sure. And I’m tempted to stop taking these pills to find out.
I recognize this as the trap people fall in. I know I need to stay on my meds and keep going to therapy. But I don’t know if I care enough to do all the work. I don’t really mind either way, though.
October 22nd, 2007 at 4:43 pm
But I don’t know if I care enough to do all the work. I don’t really mind either way, though.
If anyone has ever said anything that more exactly reflects the way I feel right now, I’ve never heard it.
October 23rd, 2007 at 10:23 am
I wonder…why isn’t there a pill that can quiet the mind but not numb the heart? I sure would take it. Hell, they (?) could even “test” it on me.
Sigh. I hope your box is safe and dry and has cable.
Cindi
October 23rd, 2007 at 12:47 pm
Sometimes when I take my meds I have days where someone can look at me and I just cry. That was three days last week and they keep saying take your meds it is just hormones or something. Well, I am not really a nice person so crying is not me. Hope you get to feeling better, I hope to get there myself soon.
October 23rd, 2007 at 2:19 pm
Stay on the meds! I miss the fun parts of hypomania *so* much, but the trade-off is so much more worth it.
October 24th, 2007 at 11:26 am
maybe you just need this time to notice the feelings, but not work so hard on them? sort of a cocoon period, let your mind work in the background, just be.
October 24th, 2007 at 2:07 pm
I know that feeling well and I can’t do it. I can’t do numb, not caring, it’s not me and it’s why I ride this wave. It’s a crazy beautiful wave mostly. It’s the dips that scare me.
February 6th, 2008 at 11:38 am
I know that feeling all to well. it is the feeling that had me coming off my meds. it is the feeling that scares me into not wanting to get on new meds. It’s a feeling I want to overcome, but frankly I’m too scared to.
April 7th, 2009 at 6:00 pm
[…] was scared to get off but I thought about it almost every moment I was awake. With every appointment to the doc, I took a little speech I had […]